Maleficar
by theawkwardpincushion
Summary: bloodmage!depressive!hawke and her adventures rated m for future bad stuff
1. Chapter 1

"You bloody _maleficar,_" Anders growled. He approached Hawke, who just stood there, prepared to take any punishment Anders had decided for her. He looked like he was going to hit her, but his eyes softened, wet but still angry. "I _trusted_ you."

"I didn't do it to spite you, you fucking self-centered _bastard_," she snarled.

"Then why did you do it?!" Anders' voice was starting to reverberate off the cave's gray walls.

"Because I want to fucking _die!_"

Varric, Isabella, and Anders all looked at Hawke. "Don't look at me like you didn't know. I haven't been watching my own ass, and I've been healing you all before I do myself. That's not just because I'm a selfless leader. I want to fuck up so bad that I don't make it back."

"Hawke..." Anders began.

"Don't." Hawke pushed him away and stalked back to her estate. Alone.

It was days before anyone but Varric saw or heard anything from Hawke. He checked on her every morning and evening, brought her food, made sure she was eating it, et cetera.

"They miss you," he said softly, putting a plate of food in front of her. "Daisy's been asking if she can come see you. She wants to make it better."

"Tell her to come. I don't care."

"Yes you do," Varric said, having to put the fork in her hand before she even noticed the food. "You care. Want to know how I know?"

"How, oh all-knowing one?" Her voice was filled with spite and venom. It didn't hurt, though. Varric knew that she was hurting and she needed to be angry to make herself feel safe.

"Because you got so angry at Blondie. If you didn't care, you would have told him to fuck off and went of your merry way. But, you _did_ care. And I think you still do. That's why you're eating and continuing to survive, even if it isn't much of living," he explained softly, wiping a bit of mashed potato off the corner of her mouth.

"I want to die, Varric," Hawke said, her voice tight and hoarse.

"I know, kid. I know," the dwarf said, handing her a glass of water. "But you can't do that yet – you have bandits to kill and lives to save."

"You're all capable of doing that without me."

"But it'd be a hell of a lot more boring."

"I don't care."

"Yes, you do."

Hawke drank her water and let the glass fall to the floor, thankfully not breaking. "No, I really don't."


	2. Chapter 2

Shiva didn't _want_ to eat. She didn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to _exist. _Damn Varric and his insistence.

"You don't have to do this, Varric," she said, taking the plate of eggs out of his hands.

"If I don't, I'm scared that you won't eat," he replied, "And besides, it's no burden. Gives me a reason to get off my lazy ass."

Hawke poked at her food, not really wanting to eat it. She cut the eggs into even smaller pieces and made it look like she had eaten. Maybe that would fool him. "I would eat if I got hungry."

"That's a lie and we both know it, kid." _Damn._

"When is Merrill coming to fix me?" Hawke chuckled. She liked the thought of the peppy little elf trying to drag her out of bed.

"This evening. She's coming instead of me. The Guild is going to have my head on a pike if I don't attend this meeting."

"I look forward to it, then."

"She's been talking more," Varric said at the group's table at the Hanged Man. "She used to just lay in her bed and pretend I wasn't there. This is progress."

"If I hadn't pushed so hard...if I hadn't yelled. Fuck, Maker take me." Anders put his forehead on the table.

"There was no way you could have known, Blondie. She...she surprised us all with that," Varric said, patting the mage's shoulder.

"I still shouldn't have yelled at her...I wanted to _hit_ her, Varric! I wanted to _hurt_ her."

"Pull yourself together, abomination," Fenris growled, "your wallowing is bringing everyone else down."

Anders looked up and _glared._ "Shut your bloody mouth. If you hadn't left her right after you fucking bedded her, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess."

"So now it's _my_ fault?" the elf snarled.

"Maybe it always _has_ been your fault!" Anders yelled. They were starting to draw attention.

"You were just blaming yourself!"

"Because I fucking love her and it _kills_ me to see her like this! Maybe I'm the only one who cares, but she fucking _matters to __**me**__._"

The entire tavern went quiet. Even the most talkative were silent. The only thing that broke that silence was Anders picking up his coat and storming out of the pub. Fenris sat back down, realizing how badly he ruined things. "It...it isn't your fault, Fenris," Varric said, "Anders is just scared and angry. We all kind of are."

"He is right, though," Fenris said, much too quiet for a voice that rallies allies on the battlefield, "I...did not approach the situation with her like I should have. I very well could have caused this."

Varric couldn't argue with him. For all he knew, that could have been the beginning of Hawke's depression. He sincerely hoped that wasn't it, though. Fenris would never forgive himself, and he didn't think Anders would, either. All Void would break loose if something happened to her.

"I think...I think I'll go check on her early, if that's okay with you Varric," Merrill said, more timid than usual. She was terrified of what she was about to walk in on.

"I think that's a great idea, Daisy."


	3. Chapter 3

Merrill knocked on the door, waiting for Bodahn or whoever was to open the door and let her in. When the happy dwarf opened the door, she smiled at him for a moment and thanked him. She never shook so much in her life.

Shiva was asleep in her bed, arms covered with bandages. Even in sleep, she looked troubled.

Merrill debated whether to wake her to make her aware of her presence or not. After thinking on it, she decided to not. She sat on the edge of Hawke's bed and ran her fingers through her dark hair, humming a Dalish lullaby.

Hawke slowly woke, blue eyes finding Merrill's quickly. "You're early," she yawned.

"I was worried about you," the little elf explained, "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Oh, love," Hawke sighed, "I haven't been okay for a very, _very_ long time."

Merrill's ears drooped, and she averted her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Merrill," Hawke said sternly, "this is _not _your fault."

She didn't look convinced.

Hawke sat up and winced as the bandages on her arms shifted. _Dammit Varric. You made them too damn tight._

She put her hand on the side of Merrill's cheek and made the elf look at her. "This truly is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong, and if anything, you've made some things _better._ I will forever be grateful for that." She brushed a stray strand of hair out of Merrill's face. "Promise me that even when I'm gone, you won't blame yourself for this...this _sickness_ that I have." _That sounded too much like a goodbye,_ Merrill thought.

Merrill's eyes stung. Seeing Shiva like this _hurt._ "Please don't leave," she choked out. Her lip quivered for a moment, and then she was curled up in Hawke's scarred arms, sobbing into her finery. She repeated her plea like a chant.

Hawke rubbed her back, shushing her quietly and kissing the top of her head. "It'll be okay," she said quietly. She rocked back and forth, trying to soothe the girl. "I promise it'll be okay."

"It _won't_ be okay if you're gone," Merrill said between sobs. Her entire body shook with the intensity of her crying. "Oh, Creators, I'll be so lonely if you go..."

Hawke didn't know what to say to that. She didn't want to lie and promise that she would stay, because even she didn't know that for sure. She didn't know how to further comfort the smaller woman. It just...slipped out, "I love you, Merrill."

It didn't help. It made it worse. Merrill just clutched Hawke's abdomen harder and more desperately. "Then _don't go._"

"I'll try," Hawke said, trying her best to comfort her, "I promise that I will _try._"

Merrill continued to sob until she eventually became too exhausted. She fell asleep in Hawke's arms.

_Oh, Maker...what have I done to this poor girl?_


End file.
